You’re struggling to accept yourself. It feels like a lot of things are getting in the way of it. Sure, you love certain things about you, wouldn’t trade them for the world. But the things you don’t love? You feel shame about. Guilt. Hate. Maybe even anger. I feel you. I’ve been there.
Self acceptance is a difficult task. Well, let me be clear on this when I say it’s difficult. It’s not difficult as in most people can’t get there. It’s difficult as in it takes consistent work, a commitment to stay faithful to the higher purpose of coming to accept yourself as well as your circumstances (yes, I said circumstances, more on that later but keep that in mind), and to undo years on years of subconscious habits and traits that got you to feel negatively about yourself in the first.
It’s completely possible to get to self-acceptance, and you – yes Queen, you specifically – WILL get there. I know you will, because you’ve taken that first step, which is just to inform yourself of the problem and how to address it. You’re reading this, which shows you have the desire to change your circumstances. All you need is to arm yourself with the knowledge you need to get there.
To get you there, I’m dedicating a two-part blog series to self-acceptance, and how you can get it as well. And… exclusively for my readers who tune back in next week, I’ll be sharing a link to a masterclass on self-acceptance that has only been available to my Confidence Queen’s Academy Members. The Masterclass is loaded with insights on the obstacles to self-acceptance, habits that we form that seem helpful but are in reality counterproductive to us embracing who we are, and the tools you need to finally build yourself a solid stable foundation of self-acceptance. DO NOT forget to come back next week, you won’t want to miss out on this. Trust.
First, let’s tackle the big question… Why do I struggle to accept myself?
Last week, I talked about self-love, and a big hurdle to getting to the place of self-love, is achieving self-acceptance. We get stuck when it comes to this, because… well, we simply have trouble accepting who we are as a whole. We’ve acted in ways we’re not proud of, and have negative thoughts we hold on to, we’ve made mistakes that we still feel ashamed about, we’ve let ourselves down, we’ve embarrassed ourselves or given away our power, allowing others to hurt and humiliate us. We’ve experienced a whole lot over our lifetimes, and instead of taking those experiences for what they are – lessons, and opportunities to learn and grow from – we’ve internalised negative feelings about ourselves. And over time, these negative feelings amplify to the point that they overshadow the positive aspects of who we are. In our minds, they overshadow, anything good that we have done, have to offer, and are. They become the focal point of our attention, and the major driver, fueling the emotions that we have towards ourselves.
We pass judgement on ourselves, and that judgement becomes habitual until it is something we truly believe. This is exactly how our ‘beliefs’ are created. We use words to describe ourselves like, below average, boring, harsh, angry, frantic, messy, lazy… the list goes on and on.
And of course, we believe that others see us, the way we see ourselves. We tell ourselves that if people get to know who we really are, and see our ‘true selves’, they will flee as fast as their legs will take them.
So, we cover ourselves up. For fear that other people will “discover” the negatives about us, use them to hurt us, for fear that they will uncover our pain points and use them against us, we cover ourselves up in a new identity. We put on a facade that protects those negatives within us, and protects us from what we think other people would feel towards the “real” us. This, I call the ultimate self-betrayal. This, and so much more, is covered in my free masterclass on self-acceptance, the link for which I’ll be sharing with all readers next week.
We do this out of a sense of self-preservation. And there’s always the thought in mind that we will eventually work on the things that we reject, we will better ourselves, but in the meantime, we will use our cover…Our ‘alter’ ego, so to speak which is as far away from who we really are in our core… we bring out our ‘Sasha Fierce’.
Look, here’s a reality you need to get used to right now. If you’re busy covering the things you don’t like, you’re not doing the work you need to change them. In order to change something you don’t like, you need to acknowledge it first, right? Ignoring the things about us that we struggle with is counterproductive to doing anything about it.
Our ability to accept ourselves is impacted by many different factors. Our care-givers play a big role in how we connect with and understand ourselves. It is often down to what we learn from the home as to how well we develop a strong sense of self. We are often, unintentionally, taught that validation comes from the outside, not the inside.
Our environment also plays a big factor in our ability to accept ourselves. If we look different from others in our surroundings, believe different things, have different cultures and traditions, we feel that we stand out for the wrong reasons. We might even garner negative attention – overt/covert racism, being ignored or actively abused, being repeatedly told that what we do/say, how we act/look, is not the norm. We’re given the impression that to fit in, we must conform. And therefore, we start judging ourselves negatively. That mean girl school experience often continues throughout adulthood in the workplace.
The biggest factor that is the most relevant to you, the adult, is your failure to acknowledge the power that you have to change your perception of yourself. Yes, the problem IS you. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but someone had to say it. Listen. Believe it or not, … well, just choose to believe that YOU have more power and control that you give yourself credit for. YOU can control what you focus on, how you think about yourself and your life, YOU control the amount of work you put in to expand and change your mindset. YOU can dictate whether you spend your time hiding who you are, or making time and space to figure out exactly who you are so you can get to a place of self-acceptance. Once you get to that place, you can easily flow into a place of self-love. Things might have been hard for you in the past, and I cannot take the legitimacy of your pain away from you, nor can I take on that pain for you. What I can do is tell you that you are not alone, and that there is a way out. But it is 100% up to you to do the work.
And now… what IS self-acceptance?
Let me put this in the simplest of terms. Self-acceptance is the state you enter when you are able to observe yourself and understand yourself without attaching any judgement to yourself. Now, I said judgement to YOURSELF. Not to your actions, behaviours, certain traits that you have. But to you as a whole. Yes, you can acknowledge that your tendency to get angry is counterproductive, and perhaps even harmful to yourself and those around you. Self-acceptance is dissociating that from you, the entire being that forms you, which includes all the amazing qualities that you do have. In fact, self-acceptance is separating the good feelings you have about certain traits or habits that you do love. Self-acceptance is saying “I just am. It’s how it is. It’s neither good nor bad, I’m me, and that’s who I am right now and I’m ok with that.”
Self-acceptance is often confused with self-confidence. Think about it this way. Self-acceptance is one of the pillars of self-confidence. You can totally accept yourself, without necessarily projecting the image of confidence. You’ll have seen me talk about the complex notion of self-confidence, which is an image that you portray to the world when you feel inwardly confident. There’s good news here. Self acceptance is a LONG stride towards building the inner and outer world of self-confidence. Self-acceptance is merely feeling neutral about yourself as a whole, it’s embracing yourself without judgement attached to parts of you.
It’s also easily confused with self-esteem. Self-esteem is holding a positive view of yourself. Self-acceptance is… well, it’s holding a neutral view of yourself. You acknowledge you, without bothering with a judgement value of who you are. If you breathed a sigh of relief, I’m glad. There’s a lot of work to be done for anyone to get to a place of high self-esteem. You don’t need to make that leap now, so relax, keep reading, and don’t forget to come back for part 2.
Self acceptance is NOT leaning into your faults. It’s leaning into your HUMANITY. Listen, when you start the work to acknowledge yourself fully, you’re going to find some negatives. Whether it’s poor habits, negative thoughts, ill behaviours, they can all exist and coexist within us. The reality is that we are all human.
All right, it’s time to get comfortable with you
Next week, I’m going to give you a bunch of tips and mindset techniques that will guide you to self-acceptance. In the meantime, I want you to really come to terms with a few realities and make them stick.
First of all, the reality is that you are not perfect. There is no incarnation of perfection on earth, and you will not be the exception. But you are perfectly imperfect. You are loved, you are love, you were born worthy and you are absolutely incredible. But, it’s time to get real. You have flaws, and that’s the case for literally every human on earth. Drop the notion that you need to conform to an ideal of perfection that doesn’t even exist in the real world.
Second of all, you are you, no matter how much you wish it were otherwise. The real you, the one you’re having trouble embracing, is here and there is no amount of ignoring, mask-wearing, betraying or rejecting that will change that. And the more you try, the more you push yourself out of alignment. Take a deep breath, and just allow the idea to sink in. The fight you’re fighting against yourself, you are losing, constantly. Be still and focus on the idea that you are here, whether you like it or not.
Third of all, any rejection you have of yourself is only creating more and more pain and internal turmoil for you. You are in control. You actually can choose whether you decide to keep inflicting pain on yourself, or stop the cycle of hurt. This is your life, and you are the ONLY ONE who will experience it. You can create the emotional state that you want to live in. You can make a decision to make that a positive emotional state. It is entirely, 100% within your control, so exercise your control now, and make a decision to change your mindset to one that will nurture you, instead of break you down every step of the way.
All right, Queen, that was long, and it’s time to wrap it up. Next week, so don’t forget to come back to really make that change happen! And you’re not going to want to miss out on the link to my Masterclass on Self Acceptance, which I’m sharing here on my blog next week exclusively to my readers.
Self-Acceptance is one module that I teach inside my exclusive inner circle, The CQ Academy. It includes 7 courses with implementable tools and techniques that will help you to tackle every obstacle you encounter to overcome the hurdles that separate you from the self-love and self-confidence you desire. If you’re looking to grow as a Queen, and step into the royal life that you deserve so you can THRIVE, be sure to check out The Confidence Queens Academy, it’s everything you’ve been looking for.
And last but never least…
Fix your crown.