I started with one objective for this year’s blog, and that is to help you get to a place of confidence. The second post was dedicated to learning to love yourself, because Queen, loving yourself is absolutely unconditional to getting to a place where you feel confident in you, aka the ever-elusive self-confidence. But let’s face it, loving yourself is absolutely not enough to get that feeling of self-confidence. You see, in order to truly feel confidence, you have to KNOW, as in know with the power of immovable faith, that you can come through for yourself, no matter what happens. That means pushing through in order to achieve your goals, never giving up on yourself no matter how difficult things get, picking yourself up if (and when) you fall, and knowing that you got your back no matter what.
And that means… you need to learn to trust yourself.
Now, I know that trusting yourself feels like a big ask. It’s not that you don’t want to trust yourself. You do. You just don’t know how. I mean, when do people teach you that?
Plus, you’ve broken so many promises to yourself. You’ve made other people’s priorities and needs your own priorities and needs, so much so that you feel like you’ll never truly have your own back as much as you have other people’s backs. And unfortunately, that’s true for many people. And maybe, just maybe, you’ve convinced yourself that somehow, you’re less capable, less deserving, and less equipped than other people.
You have a tendency to give up on things you’re having difficulty with, or even failing to start projects because… you don’t think you’ll complete them. You second guess yourself, and you feel like you spend most of your time hesitating instead of acting. You might always be looking to a trusted person for guidance, to confirm your beliefs, or to comfort your decisions. And if their views don’t match up with yours, then… you give up on yours, because you don’t trust you. Ouch.
Ok, listen, I know a lot of stuff happened to get you to where you are today. There’s a lot of negative experiences under your belt, and you feel like you’ve let yourself down. We can work with that. The important thing is, you understand that you have issues trusting yourself, and you want to know the way out. I have a warning for you, though. There’s going to be a call to do some serious work. If you’re not ready to put in that work, then… Well, I can’t work magic, I’m sorry. But for my Queens who ARE committed to getting the results they are seeking, I got you! Read on.
To regain self-trust, you’re going to have to come through for yourself. Like any relationship you have, the relationship with you is built on experiences you’ve had with … you! If you had given yourself cause to distrust yourself then… The best way to reverse that is to create new, positive experiences that demonstrate that you can be trusted. You can’t erase the past, but you can take control of the present and build your future. Here are some steps to help you out… Drop me a comment below and let me know which step you might find the most challenging.
1. Get to know you. The first step to trusting yourself is trusting that you can be your authentic you. But, before you can do that, you have to know who YOU are. Make sense? Ok, listen. We tend to spend way too much time thinking about the ideal version of ourselves, or even imagining what it would be like to be someone else. That does a lot of really bad things to us, but the most important one for the purposes of trusting ourselves is that we erase who we are. In order to conform to what we THINK we should be because we experience shame that the real us will be revealed and people will ses that we fall short and reject us. Well enough of that!
Self-trust requires self-knowledge. Take time each day to just listen to your own thoughts. Try some new things to figure out what you like and what you don’t like. Actually, go do things you routinely do, but do them mindfully. Listen to what you’re telling yourself. Does your routine really suit you? Are the things you’re doing for enjoyment truly giving you pleasure, or would you rather be spending your free time doing something else? Ask yourself what makes you happy, what makes you sad. What are your core values? What are your boundaries? What do you really, truly, deeply care about in this world? Get to know you like you would try to get to know someone you love…or at least someone you would want to love.
2. Understand your values, and prioritise them. I mentioned above getting to know your core values. Those are so incredibly central to who you are, and must be prioritised at all cost. I’m not even slightly exaggerating. If you are willing to compromise on your core values, then you will 100% feel betrayed by you. Do you know why? Because it is completely within your control whether you respect and prioritise your core values, or let someone else’s needs and desires override them. Make sure you speak up and self-advocate when something feels a bit uncomfortable. When something doesn’t feel quite right, check your core values, and assess whether they’re being violated. If they are, you know what to do. Stand up and be counted!
3. Keep your word to yourself. Ok, this is a really big one so bear with me. We have a tendency to overpromise and underdeliver, but to ourselves. Like we start to get really frustrated with our weight, and we say ok, I’m getting on a diet tomorrow, and I’ll lose those 10 pounds this month. Come tomorrow, though, we don’t start the diet. We don’t lose those 10 pounds much less in one month, and we let ourselves down because we haven’t “fixed” the thing that we perceive as a problem. You need to start getting serious with what you’re promising yourself, and coming through for yourself. Which means… you need to start being selective and realistic with what you’re promising you. Stop frivolously and on a whim, overpromising to yourself, and make sure that what you’re committing to do to make you the person you want to be is achievable in the timeframes you’re putting for yourself. Even more, make sure that when you commit to something, visualise the steps you need to take in order to get there. Think about potential hurdles or obstacles. Think about solutions and think about how amazing it will be to know you got there, just like you told yourself you would. And you did it without flaking on yourself.
Start today. Sit down, and consider all the goals that you have set for yourself, or would like to set for yourself. Decide which ones are realistic, and which ones simply aren’t (for now). Those that are realistic, set yourself an action plan that you can execute step by step. Make the first step so easy to complete it would be almost impossible not to complete it. Make it a step you can achieve within 24 hours. Then, get on it.
You will learn to trust yourself, when you see you come through for yourself… Wow, that was a mouthful, but you get it.
4. Respect your boundaries, and stick to them. Because boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I can’t say it enough. There’s nothing that will cause you to lose faith and trust in yourself than if you and other people violate your boundaries. Be the fiercest protector of your boundaries that has ever existed. Which means… speaking up for yourself. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, but you’re not going to grow inside your comfort zone, are you? When something starts pushing up against those boundaries, make yourself heard. No, is a complete sentence, and you certainly do not need to justify your no. Walk away from people and situations where your no is not being respected. But remember, before you can expect others to enforce your boundaries, you need to enforce them first. Stand up for yourself, and show you that you will have your back, even in the most uncomfortable of circumstances.
All right Queen, I know that was a lot to think about, so I’ll leave you to it. Remember, your relationship with yourself IS in fact a relationship and actually, it’s the most important one you will have, so you need to nurture it. Put in that work to regain trust in yourself, and you will reap the rewards. That’s my guarantee to you.
And if you want to level up your Confidence game, there is a VIP spot available inside of the Confidence Queens Academy coupled with the amazingly transformational Feel the fear Programme which will help you develop your self-trust and self-confidence. Now’s your chance to grab the final spot, and join this community of amazing Queens who are making their designs their reality, everyday!
Fix your crown.