We all know someone that we consider a “flake”. That person who has broken a promise, one too many times. The friend that does not, as we say, “show up”. We tend to feel disappointed when we are let down, but ultimately, we decide that the best course of action would be to not trust this person at all.
Take a moment, and think of who you are, to you. Ask yourself this one simple question: “Am I my own ally?”
Are you failing to keep your own commitments to yourself? Do you find yourself breaking that promise you made yourself to go to the gym, to eat healthier, to stick to a hair appointment, to organize your time better, to make time for yourself each day? Are you that flake?
When we flake on ourselves, we are often left with feelings of guilt or shame. We start feeling like we are getting behind, things are accumulating, and before we realize it, the consequences of our broken promises seem too big to handle. We can come to label ourselves as lazy, incompetent, or incapable.
There are a lot of reasons why we flake on ourselves. Maybe we’re too wrapped up prioritising other people’s needs, or we may simply not be able to recognize and identify our own needs and leave these unattended to. Whatever the reason, ultimately the result will be the same. We fail to work towards goals that are important for our own fulfillment, and we neglect ourselves. And when we neglect ourselves, our own sense of self-worth diminishes, our self-esteem plummets, and our drive to fulfill our own dreams disappears. But most of all, we reduce our level of self-trust.
So, how do you become your own best ally?
Well, you can kick-start the process by following these 6 simple steps:
Identify: Identifying the reasons why you are not (yet) your own best ally is key to becoming your own best ally. The work lies in looking beyond the feelings of guilt or shame, or the derogatory labels we give ourselves when we feel that we keep letting ourselves down, to ask the question: why am I not keeping my promises to myself? What is stopping me from taking the steps I need to be taking? Do I think I am worth the time and effort that is required to achieve my goals? What are those negative thoughts that are preventing me from getting to where I need to be?
Challenge: Take those negative thoughts, and really examine them.
If you’re in The Confidence Queens Academy, take the course ‘How to overcome negative thought loops’. If not, consider if the negative thoughts reflect reality? Do I genuinely believe them to be true? I have a friend who has admitted that her self-talk tells her that she is simply lazy, but that even if she were to take action, she would be doomed to fail. She has thought herself into complete paralysis and ultimately writes off most things as failures before she has given herself a chance to try.
Assess: Ask yourself what you genuinely need. Once you have assessed your needs, make a list of what those are, and transform them into targets. Let us take our weight for example. You feel bad because your clothes no longer fit you, you do not look the way you think you should look, and you have been unable to drag yourself to the gym or to eat healthily. For ages now, you have been wanting to lose 20 pounds over a month. A goal you know is unrealistic, but there is a pressing urge to try and rid yourself of as much weight as humanly possible in as short a time as possible. The urge conflicts with the messages you have been giving yourself, that you are lazy, you are doomed to remain overweight, there is nothing that will get you out of this situation. Broken down, the issue is: one, you need to fix your eating habits, and two, you need to move more.
Action: Keep your targets manageable, and most of all keep them concrete. Do not set yourself up for failure by taking on unrealistic tasks. For example, the target should not be “I need to lose X pounds by Y date.” Give yourself actionable tasks, for example, “I will go to the gym twice this week on X and Y days, and devote half an hour each session to a workout”.
Measure: Keep track of what your actions are, and the results from these actions. By tracking the actions, you can recognize your own efforts to achieve your goals, which in and of itself is incredibly empowering.
You can also take the opportunity to mark things off your list, reassess your trajectory, and give yourself new goals.
Celebrate: No success is too small. Allow yourself to enjoy the victories!
Now, think about the situation you are currently faced with, how you might have flaked on yourself and where you want to be more accountable. In what area of your life do you need to show up for yourself as your own best ally? Consider how you can make these 6 steps work for you.
After you’ve taken these steps, I’d love to hear from you and know the difference it makes in your life once you start really showing up for yourself.
Fix Your Crown!